Avoiding God

Hi, I’m avoiding God.

Who, God? No thank you.

I’m tabbing between this and facebook and a lingerie website for a bridal shower next month, and youtube and my email.

I’ve been avoiding God for about 4 hours now.

I figured writing about it would be better than surfing the web, but it’s not better. It’s worse. Surfing the web is great because it’s like heroin and has a way of turning my mind off to the shit I should be thinking about, and kind of numbs me into this warm, comfortable complacent dazed state of laziness. Where I don’t care.

Like I know I’m suppressing them – the feeeelings of disappointment in myself for doing this again, but the longer I stay online, the longer it will be till I have to feel anything. But also, the longer I stay online, the more violent the tidal of regret hits me when I finally face it. It’s a vicious cycle.

I hate myself sometimes. I hate my behavior.

I hate my addictive personality. Fuck my addictive personality.

Fuck me, I’ve had a few really good days.

And one romp around the internet sends me back to this?

I’m stuck.

I mean I guess the thing you gotta do is just go pick up your Bible and start reading it wherever. It gives me a truer perspective. And makes me hate myself less. I know that.

But I’m scared because I feel like God’s gonna be all pissed off that I just wasted all this time. I don’t want to face that. It feels like I ate rocks and they’re just casually rolling around in my stomach. And it’s getting dark which makes me feel worse.

I guess I’ve been conditioned to believe that when I mess up, I’m gonna get the whip. I’m gonna be guilt tripped and punished.

I do it to myself.

I don’t know how to conclude this. I gotta go talk to God. I don’t know if I’ll keep surfing the internet. I hope not. God help me. Urgh I hate even saying that, but God help me. Because I need to get off but I can’t. I could have had such a good night but I’m not now. I ruined it and I feel miserable, and I feel like if I spend time with you I’m gonna miss out on even more of the good night I could have had because it takes time to spend time with you. Even though I have no problem sitting on the computer for 4 1/2 hours. Because when I face you, I’m in reality.. but here, I don’t have to be. I can be somewhere else. And I like being somewhere else. I’m not so good with faith. I don’t really believe that you’re better like you say you are. Even though every time I step out you prove it. I’m sorry. Please help me get off the computer cause I can’t really stay on here anymore.

I think he helped. Bye.






The Decision

I’ve made a decision. The decision WAS this: I’m going to write every day no matter what even if I have nothing specific to say, just for the sake of writing and getting better.

This decision was a little too constricting. So it had to change. I realize that I probably won’t write every day, or every other day. Drop the standard, I’m just going to write. Hopefully every week. Every day, some weeks. Maybe. Maybe 3 days in a row and then a week off but really, the conclusion is that I am going to write, even if I have nothing to say.

I obsess over, well, what am I gonna write about? How will I come across? How well developed are my thoughts? Will people be moved by my bullshit? How am I going to convince people about God, life, love, whatever? Well, if there’s anything God has been teaching me it’s that I’m way too wound up with all my rules and expectations. They choke me from doing anything productive.

I know it’s important to fill the masses in with things that you’re convinced about and I wish I could do that. But I’m fucked up, I’m in the middle of the great overhaul that is my early 20’s, 22 to be exact, I have nothing much to share with the world of significance because I change my mind every other day. I’ve been a Christian for three years and I don’t have my stuff straight.

So if it’s all the same to you I’m gonna write, so that maybe when something eloquent drops into my head someday, I can, you know, wax eloquent.

But I’m not going to sit around waiting until that shit happens.

I’m just going to let everything kind of spill out here.

By God’s grace I won’t give up in three and a half days.