Ache

Ache.

And I know it’s a worldly ache.

Ache. I know it’s wrong.

In the sense that I could calm the ache with your words and yet I am here on the internet, yet again – this addiction is boring, honestly. It is so old. It’s gotta be old to read about.

Hey you! Who do you think you are? Do you think you can just come in and thrash around again, making me wonder about you again? I am a tender human being. You must know this by now. All my upper internal organs, you know, the heart, veins around my heart, and whatever else is in there, are burning because of you. When this feeling reaches my stomach I’m gonna have to call off work because I will be too sick to move. You have the water to save me but you just stand there, letting me burn. And you know I’m burning. You know that I am! But you just let me here, killing myself!

Do you think you’re allowed to do that? To destroy me, to let me destroy myself? That is some painful stuff. You don’t know how powerful you are.

And I don’t know how powerful I am. I know I do this same thing. I could make a list of 20 people I have burned and are still burning because of me; maybe in some small way, some in bigger ways, and yet, I leave them, and they cross my mind, and I put them out, because I am guilty, and I am scared, and I don’t want to go there, because I don’t have it in me. And that’s probably you too and I know that, you are probably guilty, scared, nervous, and put off because I am so clearly needy and broken. I know I am too demanding with you. You have that effect on people. Do I have that effect on people? Or is it the other way around… Are the chased just the catalysts for the needy’s neediness, and they are in fact the ones in the wrong? Ay, what a mess.

When I step back and look at this mess we’ve created, I understand why you run. I would run, too. Righting these wrongs would take a brave warrior and we are both scared little puppets with too much power for our own good. And we are so insecure. I may scare you away if you ever try to put me out, and that’s why you are afraid.

And the thing is…

You’re probably right. And if you’re not right, the best we’re gonna get is a false-pseudo relationship where I am left not getting what I want: you, your approval; and you are free to move on and forget all the guilt associated with

me.

Well, you person I will not name, that’s what it comes down to. I will give you my approval even though you have stepped on me with your silence. My forgiveness will be whole even though I will still be sitting here patching up the bruises on my heart for a long while, and even though you could stay and help, and you won’t, I won’t hold it against you. Because if I truly loved you, that’s what I would do.

If what you want is freedom, I will gift it; it will make my life no less messy, but you will be free.

Sometimes you just gotta do the right thing through gritted teeth. Hopefully I will get to patching up the wounds of all the people I have pulled in and pushed out, but that is a trash heap of miles high. And it is for another day.

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