Hi, I’m avoiding God.
Who, God? No thank you.
I’m tabbing between this and facebook and a lingerie website for a bridal shower next month, and youtube and my email.
I’ve been avoiding God for about 4 hours now.
I figured writing about it would be better than surfing the web, but it’s not better. It’s worse. Surfing the web is great because it’s like heroin and has a way of turning my mind off to the shit I should be thinking about, and kind of numbs me into this warm, comfortable complacent dazed state of laziness. Where I don’t care.
Like I know I’m suppressing them – the feeeelings of disappointment in myself for doing this again, but the longer I stay online, the longer it will be till I have to feel anything. But also, the longer I stay online, the more violent the tidal of regret hits me when I finally face it. It’s a vicious cycle.
I hate myself sometimes. I hate my behavior.
I hate my addictive personality. Fuck my addictive personality.
Fuck me, I’ve had a few really good days.
And one romp around the internet sends me back to this?
I mean I guess the thing you gotta do is just go pick up your Bible and start reading it wherever. It gives me a truer perspective. And makes me hate myself less. I know that.
But I’m scared because I feel like God’s gonna be all pissed off that I just wasted all this time. I don’t want to face that. It feels like I ate rocks and they’re just casually rolling around in my stomach. And it’s getting dark which makes me feel worse.
I guess I’ve been conditioned to believe that when I mess up, I’m gonna get the whip. I’m gonna be guilt tripped and punished.
I do it to myself.
I don’t know how to conclude this. I gotta go talk to God. I don’t know if I’ll keep surfing the internet. I hope not. God help me. Urgh I hate even saying that, but God help me. Because I need to get off but I can’t. I could have had such a good night but I’m not now. I ruined it and I feel miserable, and I feel like if I spend time with you I’m gonna miss out on even more of the good night I could have had because it takes time to spend time with you. Even though I have no problem sitting on the computer for 4 1/2 hours. Because when I face you, I’m in reality.. but here, I don’t have to be. I can be somewhere else. And I like being somewhere else. I’m not so good with faith. I don’t really believe that you’re better like you say you are. Even though every time I step out you prove it. I’m sorry. Please help me get off the computer cause I can’t really stay on here anymore.
I think he helped. Bye.